Cerulean Synapse

I am so happy that Tim is finally leaving the clubhouse. Then there will be no more obsessive behavior and no more following me like a lost puppy dog, no more anger. I forgive you Tim but I don't think I can be your friend any more I'm just going to forgive and forget. I'll give you back your smallville DVD's. I hope that you can understand why I'm doing this, but as soon as you get your anger under control then your will probably have girlfriends again. I mean the ones that are nice.

Today I was busy at the clubhouse and it was a fun day because J and I went to go to lunch together. That's when I kissed him. I know I just couldn't help it. It just happened. I think I would like to hang out with J even though he's kind of religious. I don't think he lets that get in the way of things though. I think he is a calm man and not one that is angry. I am getting to know him on the phone though. He really is a nice guy than all the others I had. Sorry if this offends anyone.

I have to pay a two hundred dollar tution fee like within the next few days or I'm cooked. It just really sucks that they can't make a deadline later than May 1st. Really I mean it's kind of strict that they do that. They said it was ok if I sent it may 3rd, but I'm still afraid they might send it back to me. They already told me that it was fine, but I still worry about it. I'm sure everything will be alright. I'm supposed to call Charlene today but I will do it later at night. J-son is calling me everyday and wondering what I'm doing and that is getting annoying. I guess I can't stand anyone calling me multiple times. I'd rather be alone. I know that's harsh to say but it's true. I'm a miserable hermit and I like life like that.

Not only that that's going on. My mom and Doug won't talk to each other and it is sickenen me. They are acting like a bunch of children. I hate it and I wish it would just stop. The silent treatment alwayws sickens me. Makes me queasy. I feel that I have exhausted myself because of this whole fiasco. Anyways that is all I have to say.

I can't believe I have to pay 200 dollars as a deposit for the school. Really I mean they are trying to rape me or something. I will have to spend the whole amount for school on my saga. Jesus I hope I get on SSI soon. I'm sure I have a good chance because of all the doctor reports and stuff. They might approve it then and there. Otherwise I have to go to court. That's just no fun at all. At least I have my friends.

Well I'm going to see Dr. Katz today to see if I can get some more anti anxiety meds. I hope he doesn't send me to the hospital because of throwing up every time I'm nervous. I just get nervous around ambulances because it reminds me of how I am sent to the hospital and having them inject me with atavan. That was just horrible. I just have post traumatic stress disorder so there are some triggers that set me off. Really yesterday Julie fainted because she is a diabetic and the ambulance came and I was so worried about her.

It was just like a trigger. It sent me into an anxiety attack. Then I wasn't fine for the rest of the day because of that. Really I think I need more meds or a different antidepressant. I think effexor makes me more anxious but gets rid of the depression. I guess you can't fix them all. I rather be anxious then be depressed. I hope the meeting with doctor katz goes alright.

Charlene is my friend to friend. We like to hang out together and I finally got a few more girlfriends. There is Krystal and Judie. I just feel incredibly happy I got friends now. Plus I have been talking to J-son. As soon as I get a car I'm going to visit him. He's a very serious guy who seems lost because he has noone in his life. I would like to be part of his life. He's a nice guy and I don't mind his bible talk at all because some of it is very interesting. Tim if you read this don't be mad please. It's just that I think I have to not have feelings for you anymore and only as a casual friend. J-son I think is the one. It's just he makes me melt when calls me princess. I know that is lame but anyone who calls me princess is my guy.

I'm going to hang out with her in laws. I know it sounds kind of wierd but I would like to meet other people and start to socialize other than the clubhouse that I go to. I mean don't get me wrong there are some awesome people in the clubhouse and then there isn't. But this is for my own good. I'm actually quite anxious about doing this. I am sure I'll be fine though. I love to travel and gallvant around town and to different places like the reptile zoo. We are going to have breakfast and then head out.

I think I'm going to start hanging out with Jeremy again when I go to school. I'm going to check out the courses and sign up for them. I hope that I'll finish in a year and a half without going into the hospital. I hope that I do. I probably won't go into the hospital just because I've been doing so good. I threw up because of my anxiety. Sometimes I just get so queasy from my anxiety that I just throw up my cookies. I just hope this all works out really.

It's been a long time since I typed in my journal. Really I don't know what to say. I guess I want to say apology accepted Tim, but that doesn't mean that I am suddenly your friend again. It takes time and you know it. I want us to act civally towards each other. I don't want you to have your angry out bursts. I just want you and I to be cival that is all. And if you can not do that then it's not worth seeing you at all understand? I know you probably found another girlfriend that will probably think the same of you and finnally leave if you don't get your anger under control. I never was an angry person and I don't like angry people it sets off triggers. You just don't want to leave me into a panic attack. So all I have to say is I forgive you Tim.

It's been a very long time since I've written in this journal. This is because Tim reads my personal journal and I don't want him to read it. This is a personal journal where I am free to speak my thought's and feelings. Looks like I'm going back to school in the Fall. I really wish Tim the best though and hope that he gets back to school. I am sure his therapist can help him with that.

I cannot believe it's snowing in April. I mean aren't we supposed to have spring? It just pisses me off. Mother Nature is not kind sometimes. Tim replied to one of my journal entries and I'm thinking about forgetting this journal all together so that he can't read into my thoughts. Or I just might talk about stupid things just like all the snow that we are getting.

I just will be civil to Tim and that is about it. He's violated me and I can't forgive him for that or maybe I can forgive him but still not hang out with him.

I was signed up to participate in the friend to friend program. I hope that it works. It will work it's better than what my last friend was treating me like. Scary that's all I can say. Hopefully I will make a new friend off this program. I already got a few friends that I can rely on. My Uncle went to natchaug to an aa meeting to speak about his story. Isn't that sweet!? I think that if it touches anyone he will have done his job. Thats all I have to say now. BYE.

i have to go to petco to get crickets. My lizards are doing greater than I thought they would over this frigid cold winter. Really it was a cold winter. My tortoise is now active again and eating too. So everything is great with me. My meds are doing great and I am great. I never felt this happy before and I don't think it's mania either. I think things are going to move very smoothly in the upcoming months. I hope I get social security and if I don't then I'll use my saga money to buy a car. It will be a junker, but I think that I might enjoy it. It is like I have a new lease on life.

I didn't get sick at the clubhouse today. I didn't see Tim either. I guess he got the message. Really I don't need a person like that in my life right now. It's only making my symptoms worse. Plus I'm trying to climb a latter and that person is getting in the way and making life complicating. I need it simple right now. J-son and I are only friends and only friends, nothing at all. Now I did the newsletter group and saw sheryls work and was awed by it. She is an excellent artist. At least in pen and watercolor.
I have to start making art now with watercolor. I have to practice at least.

I cannot express feelings with my friend anymore. He has totally betrayed me so I must end the friendship we once had. I know it will hurt me as well as it will hurt the person that I say it to. I need to do this for my mental health. It's stopping me from growing and getting better by the moment. I need to climb that ladder not slide down into a pit of despair that I feel with Tim. So I will let him go we can be friends at the clubhouse and that is it. No more will I suffer being a pawn of his jealousy like at the bowling alley. No more will I confuse him with mixed emotions that I tend to portray. I think the end is the beginning of a new kind of friendship and not one that will fire back at me.

I think I did nothing yesterday except exercise. I'm going on a walk with my uncle and after that we could go swimming. It will be fun and exciting. As for Tim I'm going to tell him that I only want to be friends at the clubhouse and thats it. NO calling my house or anything really. I just can't deal with it constantly making me anxious anymore. I had feelings for him but now they are gone because I really know the true side of him and he is only a jerk to me.

It's my journal where I can post my thoughts and everything, its not Tims Journal. So I am going to post anyway because I believe it will relieve some of the anger I still feel. Tim was a total asshole at bowling last night. And I don't care if he gets mad at posting this because it's his fault for acting like he does anyway. This proves that he doesn't want to be just a friend but a boyfriend. Seriously Tim has some really serious anger issues. I don't know if I can handle it anymore, all he does is make me anxious and that's not a friend at all. J-son and I were not on a date and it was like I had to sit next to Tim the entire time we were bowling. And if I gave other people high fives he would want one too like a little child. I really just can't be his friend anymore, fine if we meet at the club house but thats all. He just ruined it last night and I have the right to say whatever I want in my journal. Tim doesn't control it.

Right now my mom is doing the lizard room. She is moving everything and getting it ready to paint. I hate when she does this. I guess it has to be done though. It will look pretty cool after its all done. I guess this is all I have to say.

I went to the doctors today and he took a look at my urine and said that I had a UTI and that he would give me some cipro. He answered my prayers with that. It will finally be fixed finally. I'm drinking a lot of cranberry juice because it is supposed to help with a UTI.

I'm almost done with my fill in book and ready to start another book. You should really try these puzzles their great for your brain and full of fun also.

Whenever I pee it hurts like crazy especially when I'm done peeing. But lets not talk about that, lets talk about the Newsletter being finished. We have time but it should be finished in the middle of April. So I want all the articles in by a certain date so we can focus on the art and stuff like that.

What I don't like is that we can't download any clipart because of the new fucking rules. I mean they are not obseen or does it contain any nudity. I guess we will have to draw our own clipart.